If 710 ESPN Seattle was a baseball team, this would be the lineup

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Baseball is on its way back, but we still have some time before the Mariners and the rest of the MLB actually return to playing games. So that got me thinking – if 710 ESPN Seattle was a baseball team, what would it look like?

Maybe something like this.


1. Stacy Rost, 2B: Our rookie, slick-fielding second baseman’s spitfire personality keeps the squad loose. She hosts her own reality show on Bravo in the offseason. Best friends with Meghan Markle.

2. Paul Gallant, SS: Acquired in a trade from Houston, Paul’s abilities at shortstop and at the plate are as advertised. Internet videos confirm that Paul is the best dancer on the team.

3. Jake Heaps, LF: Following in the footsteps of Russell Wilson, John Elway, Seth Smith and Drew Henson, Jake’s all- around athleticism allowed him to excel as a college QB as well as on the diamond. Lives in Russell Wilson’s basement.

4. Bob Stelton, C: Back problems have hindered Stelton’s performance in recent years, but now healthy, he’s rejuvenated and looking like the devastating hitter of old. Still single.

5. Dave Wyman, DH: The second of our two-sport athletes, this linebacker-turned-DH can still crush it when he gets a hold of one. Most likely to charge the mound when provoked.

6. Danny O’Neil, 3B: Danny furiously tried to force a trade to New York in the offseason, but somehow, we were able to retain his services when all was said and done. Absolute maniac on social media.

7. Jim Moore, 1B: Desperately wishes to retire but can’t due to the fact that he’s lost most of his fortune in an ill-fated investment in a “gold machine.”

8. John Clayton, RF: Dubbed “The Professor,” the team’s right fielder aspires to one day create baseball’s first salary cap. Tours with Slayer.

9. Tom Wassell, CF: Caused an incident in the 710 ESPN Seattle clubhouse last season when his two dogs (Penelope and George) were left unsupervised during a game and tore the place apart. Hence, the club’s “no animals in the clubhouse” policy.

Starting rotation

1. Lydia Cruz: A true student of the game, Lydia is an expert on every player in the league and uses this knowledge to beguile and bewilder hitters. Her locker is overflowing with bobbleheads and other collectibles.

2. Michael Bumpus: The former Washington State wide receiver elected to play baseball this year and was rewarded with a MONSTER contract. Wears number 24 in honor of Kobe Bryant.

3. Curtis Rogers: The most underrated pitcher in the league. Possesses maybe the best ‘stuff’ on the staff, but often gets distracted on the mound reciting sports trivia to himself during games. The problem has only gotten worse over the years.

4. Jessamyn McIntyre: The leader and a fan favorite because of her involvement in charitable affairs. Owns a considerable amount of beachfront property.

5. Brent Stecker: Splits his time between pitching and backyard wrestling out in Wenatchee. Resulting injuries render him unavailable most of the time.


Swing: Boy Howdy and Maura Dooley don’t see the field as much as we’d like, but out in the bullpen, they’re known for their hijinks during games, entertaining both themselves and onlooking fans.

Setup: Brandon Gustafson won’t stop telling other members of the team how great he was in college (he was, in fact, great). Ashley Cox and is the exact opposite. She also insists on wearing cowboy boots in place of cleats.

Closer: Shannon Drayer has nerves of steel. Not afraid to head-hunt. The intimidator.

Manager: Brock Huard is frustrated by the fact that he’s no longer a player and sometimes writes in his own name on the lineup card only to be thwarted at the last minute by the GM.

General manager: Mike Salk used to annoy teammates during his playing days by repeatedly telling them that if given the chance to be a GM, he’d succeed. Clearly, he has. Wears only Rush T-shirts and jeans.

Bench coach: If you have a problem, Kyle Brown will help. Knows all of Brock and Salk’s deep, dark secrets.

First base coach: Taylor Jacobs also operates the scoreboard during games. How does he do that? Carries a lightsaber.

Third base coach: DJ Wilder has the best voice on the team. Hoping for a career in radio someday.

Team owner: The Groz, the one man who hates owners the most, used his career earnings to buy the 710 ESPN Seattle team and is one of the most beloved figures in all of sports. Was present for most significant events in world history.

More from Tom Wassell: Nelson Cruz belongs in the Mariners Hall of Fame

This post was originally published on this site

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